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Showing posts from 2017

Bank Balance

Getting money from the ATM depresses me big time, and it has nothing to do with my bank balance.

Debit and credit cards have made cash a dying breed in North America, because you can even buy a cup of coffee by tapping plastic on an electronic machine. That’s fine, but some stores don’t take them for goods under $10.That forces me to have some cash money on me.  If I don’t, I dash into the nearest mall and visit an ATM. It’s not unusual to find receipts with balances of previous users.I think the only reason they grab their cash and leave receipts behind, is to freak me out.

I’m not supposed to look at these pieces of paper because they are private property, but some of them have incredible balances, for example $29,000.Forget India’s Ambani brothers, Bill Gates, Oprah or Tyler Perry.They don’t know what a cash dispenser or ATM looks like.

We are talking about ordinary human beings here.How can you have a balance of more than one thousand in your checking account?Did you win the Lotto or r…

Internet Manners

The internet and mama have something in common: manners. They believe that always say Hi! To people you meet. Home is where the heart is, but it is rough being at home these digital days.People are so tied up in chat rooms, Instagram, Twitter, FB, YouTube or Google mania, they don’t have a minute to say hi or good night to people they share a toilet or kitchen with.

Thank god for internet players.They say hi to me when I re-open a document after a thirty minutes’ break.It’s all automated, but it is nice when the computer calls me by my name and encourages me to continue, where I left off. The internet understands that greetings are the definitive ice breaker, before saying mum, I’m hungry or dad, can I have the car keys?

Facebook has taken it to the next level because it understands that I live in a strange province where the weather is a headline story, and not what Prime Minister Justin Trudeau thinks about the Keystone Pipeline, so Facebook reminds me of temperatures going up and down. …

Mobile Phones and Mathematics

There’s something called a self-inflicted wound.I think it means I caused my own pain.I don’t have anybody to blame but myself.

A good example of a self-inflicted wound is the stress about people not returning or ignoring your calls.

‘He is not picking my calls,’ a common line in Yoruba movies. It comes from picking up.Some people say he is not taking or ignoring my calls.

The self-inflicted wound comes from mathematics.Leaving 20 messages on someone’s phone means you are not good in this subject, despite the education your parents gave you.

One + one = two.If someone doesn’t take your call the third time around, it means he or she doesn’t want to speak to you.Period.Just move on and don’t inflict any wounds on your beautiful body and intelligence. Math is also a factor when it comes to weekend fun or holidays.If she doesn’t return your calls about plans for the long weekend, it means that she has other plans to end that week and you are not part of it.Leaving messages on Friday, Saturday …

Data Plans vs Pocket Money

I want to send a text to the Queen of England and ask her to reconsider some of the things that have made her language stagnant.I wanted to say old school but she is not clued up at all with what is trending online or the streets.
Take pocket money for example.Money in general is no longer in the pocket.It is in our fingers.We punch ATM’s and green dollar bills slide out.We massage our phones and send money to kids’ accounts who want it for data and other digital related things.
The Queen must understand that kids do not have money in their pockets, but in family credit cards that parents are paying for, or have their own accounts where their scholarship dollars are deposited.
She must understand that kids do not waste time in bank lines because they are masters of the digital game.Delete that.The queen has never stood in line for anything in her life, so she will not understand that.
Kids do not have pocket money.They have digi-cash.They swipe cards or punch in numbers on their phones fo…

Comfort Food As Regret Food

Comfort food is good for the soul, which usually bleeds in winter from icy roads, bad drivers that want to annihilate pedestrians, frozen fingers and toes that take a sabbatical.What happened to my toes?I thought I was wearing special socks for boots?

We therefore have a right to comfort food which throws doctors’ orders out of the window and has no loyalty to calories.No calculator on the table, thanks very much.Piece of bread 5 calories, half a banana 10 calories, sugar-free cheesecake 2,000 calories.Ah! Ah!  We only live once.

Naw!Comfort food is old school food with its compulsory second helping.It involves licking fingers and giving a big sigh, about the good life, which is shelter, food, love and debt.
The problem is the zip.The jeans remind you that comfort food can also be called you will regret food.Home sweet home is even sweeter in winter after surviving blowing snow and bumper to bumper traffic. What is more welcoming than a pot of beef stew with dumplings on top?The zip is th…

Long Johns And Bus Shelters

Victoria Principal, Lingerie Plus or La-Senza do not stock long johns but they are very sexy in winter.Well! Sexy might be the wrong word.Come to think of it, the right one is survival.

Long johns are a survival item if you take the bus, otherwise you will find yourself sandwiched among 10 people in a bus shelter, who did not have the sense to buy them, knowing full well that they live in a country with a minimum of -20 degrees.
Some of them were too cold to brush their teeth or have a hot shower provided by the local hydro company.Others might have taken some gin and tonic or scotch on the rocks to ward off the biting cold.
People outside the bus shelter don’t have to experience all this because they are wearing long johns, maybe three pairs so they are waiting for the bus outside and just walk around to prevent their toes from freezing.
It is therefore your choice.To long john or not, that is the question.I’m not trying to be Shakespeare or anything.Oh!You call them tights or leggings.T…

Valentine's Day Wish List

Valentine’s Day is a few days away and people who are in the loving business have already dropped hints about what they want.Others are not so subtle.They have demands that should be met on the 14th of February. Some naughty girls even say yes to pursuing boys at the end of January, with the hope of getting stones forcefully mined from the ground, Christian Louboutin shoes, or even cars on Valentine’s Day.

Please be merciful and forgive and forget if your demands are not met.I did. I forgave family and friends for not buying me the photography hardware I wanted for Christmas.Well! I talked incessantly about the various camera lenses I wished for on top on the camera body itself, which costs only $15,000.Please don’t translate this into your local currently if you live in Africa or Asia.

Oh! Yes! Big league photographers do not use Mickey Mouse cameras with built in lenses.They have special lenses to capture the inside of a lily or insects and their camera bags are insured. I won’t do it a…

No Air Miles

I don’t have Air Miles.

I’m considering putting that on a T-Shirt because I cannot go to the drugstore (chemist) or coffee shop without the cashier asking me if I have air miles.

We waited for about two minutes the other day, while this guy looked for his Air Miles card in his overweight wallet.For what?For a few points. I don’t have air miles because Mathematics is a foreign language.I was never good in numbers. That is why I squashed the idea of being an investment banker very early in life.I understand you can invest in cornfields before the soil is turned up or pork bellies even before a baby pig is born.

That is how I view air miles, investing in tomorrow or the unknown.I’m the dumb one.Some people understand this air miles’ thing so well, I overheard one customer saying:
I can even convert my points into cash. Points and air miles are the same thing in Canada and the U.S.Drugstores or clothing stores even give you a card to collect points.

O.K. I admit it.Math is not my thing but what …